Looking Back

I was watching Olive play yesterday and realized she is far from a baby. She has grown into the cutest little toddler, but where did the time go? I was craving baby pictures, so I went on to my computer and spent about an hour going through all of her photos. The thing that gets me is that the first thousand pictures of her that I have, she is either hooked up to an iv, going into surgery or in a doctor's office. I broke my heart to see picture after picture of different midnight hospital visits for kidney infections and 106 fevers. And the countless times we spent in the hospital for antibiotic drips, weeks at a time, just Olive and I. Away from Daddy that had to work.

All of this has reminded me of what we will be going through in about a month. Middle of June is her third surgery. If this goes correctly, or as the doctor hopes, than she will need no more. But we have been told this before, so I refuse to get my hopes up.

Thinking of her last two surgeries and comparing it to how it will be now kills me. Her first surgery was at 3 days old, she had no idea what was happening, and was not scared (I also was not by her side, Devin was, I was having complications myself) And her second, she could not even sit up or crawl, she was extremely young. I am having a hard time picturing myself handing her off to the nurses. This time will be different. She depends on me, she needs me, she cries for me "Maaammma!" This time will be harder. The recovery will be more difficult than the others. It will hurt her to walk and now she can rip out her stitches if she wanted to.

I think I was designed for this. I believe I was created to be in this moment. I was sent here to be Olive's Mommy and to love her like no other. My job is to be a Mom and Mothers need to be strong. I was made for this. I was made to help her through this and to stand by her side. So when I start to feel overwhelmed with sadness and fear, I repeat this in my mind. I was made for this, I can do this, for her.

My daughter is the most precious and important thing to me. Without her, I wouldn't be the women I am today. I thank her for all she has taught me. To love, to protect, how to breathe, Patience, understanding, empathy, kindness, perseverance. She has molded me into who I am, and I love her for that.